Free Advice Friday: I believe in God. I just don’t think He is good and kind.

Okay…so I stole this one from The Wally Show on WayFM.  Wally used this comment from his email as a 10-second topic about whether God is good.  He asked what you would say to this person, so that got me thinking…

What if the only part of planet earth that you experienced was the desert?  Everyone told you that the earth was beautiful, full of green and blue, but all you ever knew was brown and hot.  They also told you the earth was round, but from where you stood it only looked flat.  At some point, you would have to decide whether or not to believe what they said.

Then imagine that one day you went to outer space and saw for yourself what was true.  That the earth was round, that it was beautiful.  You would see that it wasn’t just one giant desert as your experience told you, but that the desert parts were outnumbered by the beautiful greens and blues.  You would be able to see the whole picture.

That’s how it is with God.  ”Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (I Corinthians 13:12)  Some day we will know how the deserts fit into God’s beautiful plan, but now we know in part.  We are finite, and God is infinite.  We only see from our small perspective, but God sees everything, beginning and end at the same time.  That would be why He is God and I am not.

What’s interesting to me is that it requires some degree of faith to believe that God even exists.  So why not believe that God is also kind and good?  Both require faith.  At times I feel like God isn’t there, and I feel like he is an apathetic and indifferent to my suffering.  But those are the times I must rely on the Truth that I know from His Word.  That is when what I know in part overrides what I feel. Faith is believing what we cannot see.  I choose to believe that the earth is round, even though I haven’t been to space to see for myself.  I trust the pictures and words of others who have been to outer space, just like I trust the pictures and words God gives in Scripture.  Personally if I’m going to believe in God, then I will believe that he is good and kind.  When I judge God as evil and unkind, I make myself god, and I believe that I know more than God.  How absurd for the finite to judge the infinite!

My prayer is that God will show Himself to you.  That God will show you that He is caring, kind, fair and good.  That you will come to know him as a loving Father, not a tyrannical king.  That you will come to see that the Creator knows you fully and loves you completely and unconditionally.  That you might have a small glimpse of what God sees when he looks you and sees the bigger picture of your life.

Lessons from the Wasteland: Lean Not

When I was little, there was a ditch near our house where we would often play. We put a board across the ditch to be our bridge. I have a memory of my brother using a long stick to poke around in the shallow water underneath. One day he put the stick in the water and leaned on it as hard as he could. That day the stick broke, and he ended up in the water soaking wet. And I was on dry ground laughing hysterically.

In the middle of last winter, this picture came to mind. I felt like I had been standing on the bridge, a bridge that God had placed in front of me. And I had leaned in hard, trusting that we would get to where we were going. But this winter it felt like every door I knocked on was slammed closed, and every window of opportunity a miss. My dream was suffocating and dying because there were no places for it to go. The stick had broken, and I was at the bottom of the ditch, muddy and soaking wet.

As the spring came, God was asking me to step on the bridge again. The little girl in me stood there still shivering and wet, shaking her head. There was no way that I could get on that bridge again and lean on the stick. I knew what would happen, and I was not stupid enough to try it again. I didn’t want to end up in the mud again. I worked very hard to avoid pain, so why would I knowingly walk into it?

On a sunny spring day in the park, I was recounting this to my friend as we sat on a bench. She asked one question that changed the whole picture. “So the stick you were leaning on, was that God?” I shook my head yes and told her that God was the one who had let me down.

All winter I had been hurt and angry because I believed God was shutting me down and killing my dream. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do what he made and gifted and called me to do. I felt betrayed and even accused God of being wrong.

As our conversation went on though, I realized that I hadn’t been leaning on Him. He wasn’t the stick that broke. The stick that broke was my own understanding. I had been leaning on other things, trusting other things to confirm my call, seeking the approval of others and chasing worldly success. Those were the things that let me down. When those idols failed, I was left in the mud.

Today he is asking me to just get on the bridge again. I’m very afraid. But one step at time, he will lead me across the bridge to where we are going. I’m afraid that I will once again be distracted by other things and start to think that they will get me there. This time we walk step by hesitant step across the bridge. Today I’m terrified of making a move without him. Today I’m grateful for the things he has given me to do, and I’m trying to joyfully walk in them.

Today I realize that he isn’t the stick; he is the bridge. The bridge never changed and it never went away. It wasn’t the bridge that let me down; it was my own understanding. The bridge was still there asking me to trust, and slowly in small ways I am learning again that He is trustworthy. My eyes are open to the ways he is gently wooing me back to Him and reminding me that I can trust Him.

“Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Let Others Tell You Who You Are

This video made by Dove has been widely viewed online. It was a very interesting experiment with a forensic artist. He sketched women as they described themselves to him and then he sketched the same woman based on how someone else described her. The difference was very telling. We don’t do a good job describing ourselves. We make ourselves out to be much worse than we really are. I was reminded of the importance of being known.

Only through community can we see ourselves as we really are. If we relied solely on our own perceptions, our picture of ourselves would be incomplete. I always hated when someone said you are your most rue self when you are alone in the room with no one watching. But The truth is that I rely on others to tell me who I am. Teenagers are always told this is a bad thing, but it is the way God wired us.  I would argue that our interactions with others show more of our true self than isolation.

This past week I struggled with what I was telling myself, and I needed my community to help give me a more accurate view of myself. I decided to step down from a leadership team. After I announced that I was leaving, five of the six leaders also resigned. I told myself it was a reflection of my poor leadership, that I hadn’t done a good job raising up other leaders to come after me. I felt it confirmed that I was not a good shepherd who looked out for the others on the team. It showed that my strong personality made it difficult for anyone else to shine.  The conclusion: I am a bad leader, and I should never lead again. These are the things I told myself.

But I want to share with you what the other five members of the team, my community, told me.  Not as a way of boasting, but as a way of seeing the situation more clearly.
“I forget how good at this you are.”
“You have been such a blessing to me. You are such an example of honesty and authenticity.”
“I keep reflecting on how good you are at this. Not just this, but overall since I have known you.”
“We have all worked well together and I’ve very much enjoyed serving with you.”

Two very different pictures. While the things I told myself may be valid to some degree, they are certainly not the whole truth. I needed my friends to remind me who I was, to show me what they saw. This is what happens when we are known. I have been living in community with these women for over three years. While I am very sad that our time of serving together in this way is ending, my heart is humbled and full of gratitude for these women.

And I also hear God saying to me “Well done, good and faithful servant.”  I have been taught that His voice is more important than all the others.  Yet sometimes he uses other people to get His message across.  I know that I can’t trust my own perceptions to tell the whole truth.  I need community to speak truth to me.  I need God and His Word to remind me who I am.  All of these work together to create an accurate and beautiful picture of who God has made me to be.

The Princess and the Dress

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My friend called me with an urgent prayer request. “I have to go shopping with my daughter for a prom dress, and I just might kill her in the process.” It was that time of year and her oldest daughter’s first prom. Everyone knows the most important part of the evening is the dress. Her daughter had gone into Ice Queen mode, doing all the necessary research to find the perfect dress. Her friends said “The White Room” was the only place to go, and so mother and daughter headed to the store. “Maybe you should come as a buffer,” my friend said to me. Because I love to shop with other people’s money, I was very disappointed I couldn’t go. The trip was successful though without me. They found the perfect dress, one that her daughter LOVED. My friend worried that the dress might not be a good fit for her daughter’s body. But it was so beautiful and her heart was set on this dress. In Ice Queen shopping mode, no daughter listens to what her mother has to say anyway. Because the Orphan side of my friend wanted to please her daughter, she pushed aside her concerns and said yes. Even though the shop didn’t have her size in stock, they signed on the dotted line and ordered the dress. The seamstress assured them that with a few simple alterations, the dress would be perfect. The shop even noted which dress she bought so that they wouldn’t sell the same dress to anyone else at her school.

The week of the prom, I received another urgent call from my friend. She needed me to take her youngest daughter to rehearsal so that she could go pick up the dress from The White Room. The problem was that the seamstress was sick and none of the alterations had been made to the dress three days before prom. But my friend was sure that her mother, an experienced seamstress who had arrived in town the night before, could make the necessary alterations and everything would be fine once they had the dress.

Later that night I received an urgent text from my friend’s precious daughter. “Got the dress back from the alterations lady today, and it does not fit to the point that it is unwearable. Will you pray that I would trust Jesus in this? I’m so sad and feeling a lot of shame.” She was trying so hard to be a Princess about it all and trust Jesus. She also courageously acknowledged her feelings. But while the rest of her family attended her sister’s play, she stayed at home wrestling with the Orphan side of her. “You shouldn’t have been such an Ice Queen at the store. What an awful, ungrateful daughter you are! You should have listened to your mom and not your friends. What a fool! Now they have to buy another dress in less than 48 hours. That’s impossible! You should just stay home. You don’t really deserve to go anyway. You will never find a dress to fit your gross body.” And yet the Princess side of her battled back and she prayed and cried out to Jesus. He began to speak His truth to her. “I’m not surprised by this turn of events. You are beautiful just the way I made you. I have a husband for you some day that will love your body exactly the way it is. I love you, and I have made a provision for you. You can trust me.”

The next morning I called my friend. “What do you mean it’s unwearable? What’s the plan?” She told me that when Meme, her mom, looked at the alterations the seamstress was going to do, there was no way it was going to work with that dress. It had no back and simply wouldn’t look right. My friend asked if I could go shopping with her and her mom while her daughter was in school. This time I got to go because my morning was free. We agreed to meet at the mall and “pre-shop” for her daughter. Then she would get her from school and show her the things we picked out. So the Princess trusted that her grandmother, her mom and her mom’s friend would find the perfect dress for her. Three old ladies shopping for prom dresses made quite the team. We each brought something unique to the table. Meme knew what could realistically be altered. Her mom knew what styles and colors had already been rejected, no strapless, no white. I was the fashionista. The store clerks looked at us funny as we tried on dresses. But we were pleasantly surprised at the options we found and were sure that one would work for the Princess, who received many text message pictures from us.

She went to get her daughter, and I went to pick up my preschool daughter. We met back at the mall, and she tried on all our finds. Three generations of women united in a singular mission. I smiled at my daughter Faith and said that some day we would be shopping for her prom dress. I don’t think it meant as much to her as it did to me. Mission accomplished: we found a dress that she truly loved and looked beautiful in. A dress that fit her body perfectly.

The next day the vigorous beauty regimen for the prom kept my friend and her daughter occupied.  And yet even adorned in her new dress, the Princess doubted her worth.  She was ashamed that her foolishness had caused such turmoil.  Even a full-length ball gown and perfectly curled hair could not give her a Princess heart.  Her Princess heart came from repentance, from taking her feelings to Jesus, from receiving his lavish gifts.  The Orphan heart cannot accept these gifts, and the Ice Queen heart demands them in her pride. The Princess knows she is not worthy of such arraignments, yet she receives the love of the Father.   The Father sent all of us a beautiful gift by sending three other Princesses to shop for a dress.  All we do is accept the gifts He lavishes and live like His Princesses.

Comfort in Not Enough

I have many times experienced the feeling of not being good enough.  I hate it.  It’s what drives me to be perfect, to work harder, go faster, be more so that I will be enough.  Most days I don’t feel like I’m enough for all my kids.  On a recent field trip, I was listening to some moms talk about their kids and their homework.  I quickly realized I have no idea what my kids are doing in school. I have no idea what day my fourth grader has his spelling tests.  I usually don’t even help him study or remind him.  Obviously I’m not doing enough in this area.

Last week my husband almost ran out of clean clothes.  I’m not doing enough laundry during the week, so I spent the whole weekend plowing through mountains of clothes so he could have enough for his trip this morning.  I hate feeling like I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain.

This morning I was reading John 14:8 and realized that Jesus himself was “not enough” for the disciples.  At the Last Supper, Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father and it is enough for us.”  Basically Philip was saying that all the miracles he had seen Jesus do and all the words Jesus had said were not enough for him to believe.  One of the Twelve disciples whom Jesus had loved and cared for and taught gets to the end of the journey and tells him it wasn’t enough.  What??

The comfort for me is that Jesus knew what it felt like to be “not enough.”  He knew what it felt like to be rejected and misunderstood, even by his closest friends.  So the days when I feel like a failure, when I feel rejected and misunderstood, He knows that feeling too.  It reminds me of Hebrews 3:15.  ”We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”

It’s all nice and righteous of me to identify with Jesus in this situation.  But the truth is that when I look into my heart, I see that I too have been like Philip.  I have told Jesus that he’s not enough for me.  In spite of all his works in my life, his great provision, his Word, I have told him it’s not good enough.  That if he really loved me he would make things easier or better or just peaceful.  I have dared him to perform miracles so that I would believe him again.

And yet I find comfort here too.  Jesus did not reject Philip and cast him out of his presence.  He goes back and re-teaches the disciples all the things he has already taught and said.  O the patience of our loving Lord!  O that I would have the same patience with others who tell me I’m not enough!  O that I would be patient with myself and give myself the grace he gives to me in my failures!

Lord, forgive me for saying that You are not enough for me.  May I have eyes to see your hand and ears to hear your voice so that I might remember that You are enough for me.  May my moments of not being enough drive me to confession and not to perfection.  May I lavish others with the grace you have lavished on me.  

Lessons from the Wasteland: Saturday

“I get Friday, and I get Sunday. But why Saturday?” This was the question Pete Wilson proposed in his sermon at Cross Point Church last week. We understand clearly from Scripture why Jesus had to die on Saturday. He was the perfect blood sacrifice that covered the sin of the world. And we understand why Easter Sunday was the best day for all of humanity.  It meant that Someone had the power to overcome death once for all. But why Saturday? Why didn’t Jesus raise from the dead on Saturday morning? Why leave the ones he loved the most in that dark space of waiting?

On Friday they watched all their hopes and dreams die. They realized this was not going to end the way they thought it would. In fact ever since the crazy events in the garden, things felt horribly out of control. The ending was coming much sooner than they thought it would. The end was much more difficult and disastrous than they could imagine. Friday ended with the hasty burial on their most beloved Rabbi. The one they had watched heal others and raise others from the dead seemed incapable of saving himself. No one understood.

As dark as Friday was, I imagine that Saturday was even darker. In God’s perfect timing it was the Sabbath, and even though there was much work to do, nothing could be done.  Having nothing to distract your mind from the pain only makes you more aware of how much your heart hurts.  I wonder if the Ice Queen side of the disciples kicked in.  I imagine one of them suggesting they send for a prophet who could lay on his body like Elisha had done.  But no messages could be sent.  The women worried about all the things they should have done to the body yesterday , but didn’t have time to do.  But they could go nowhere and buy nothing.  Maybe some suggested war and taking up arms, but it was a holy day and everyone was scattered.  Maybe instead of fighting they would organize a peaceful protest, a march or a sit in.  But then they remembered what had just happened to their peaceful Teacher.  But every idea fell apart when they asked, “What’s the point?”  The world marched in Sabbath tradition as they sat still in fear and sadness.

The disciples searched their feeble memories trying to make the pieces fit, but their light was gone. The darkness had come. And silently it held them captive.

I looked in the gospel accounts to see what was said about Saturday. All it says is “On the Sabbath they rested according to the commandment.” (Luke 23:56)  Nothing much is said about the longest day in history. But based on where we find the players on Sunday, we can assume that they had lost it.  They were filled with fear, not faith.  They woke up Sunday not expecting a miracle, but expecting to find a dead body.  Even after the women had seen him on Sunday morning, “they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.” (Mark 16:8)  When the women returned with the good news, it did not go into hearts eager and willing to believe.  ”And they went back and told the rest, but they did not believe them.  Afterward he appeared to the eleven themselves as they were reclining at table, and he rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they had not believed those who saw him after he had risen.” (Mark 16:13-14)

On Saturday they did not remember the words of Jesus.  They didn’t remember until they the angel on top of the empty tomb reminded them. (Luke 24:8) “But these words seemed to them an idle tale, and they did not believe them.” (Luke 24:12)  Jesus says to the two on the road to Emmaus, “O foolish ones, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!” (Luke 24:25)  He says to the disciples, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts?” (Luke 24:38) “For as yet they did not understand the Scriptures.” (John 20:9)  ”Then he opened their minds to understand the Scriptures.” (Luke 24:45)  Even after many disciples saw him standing there in the flesh, the Bible says “but some doubted.” (Matthew 28:17)

Sometimes in my waiting, in my long Saturday, in my wasteland, I have lost it.  I have doubted what God has said.  I have dared God to prove himself.  I am not a stellar example of faith in the midst of trial.  In fact, I have failed the test miserably.  But the Resurrection didn’t happen because of the disciples’ perfect faith.  It didn’t happen because they prayed so much and believed that everything would work out for good.  It didn’t happen because they held fast to their faith.  It didn’t come because they wouldn’t stop hoping for a miracle.

The Resurrection came because God keeps his promises.  It came for the glory of God.  It came because God so loved the world that he sent his Son into it to redeem it.  Christ is the only person to have ever raised himself from the dead with no outside help.  He didn’t need the faith of the disciples.  He didn’t need their prayers or good deeds to overcome death.  He was God.

Because of Saturday, no one could say “He wasn’t really dead.”  Because of Saturday, none of the disciples could say “I knew it, and I prayed for this to happen.”  Saturday was there so that everything could die and be really dead.  In the wasteland, everything must die.  My pride, my dreams, my hopes, my selfish desires, my idols, my good deeds.  But Saturday is good because without complete death, there is no resurrection.

So the really good news is that my complete lack of faith and utter disbelief can be forgiven because of the work Jesus did on the cross.  As I sat in church last Sunday, I wept because I felt him compassionately put his arm around me and say, “You are forgiven.  Come home.”  He knows how dark the darkness is.  He knows that I am weak and not perfect.  And I know this is exactly why I desperately need him in my life.

As we walk through Saturday and we lose faith and doubt and dare and tremble with fear, let us take comfort that God is bigger and greater and more powerful than our doubts and our fears.  The Resurrection will come, not because of me, but because God keeps his promises.

Lessons from the Wasteland: Living by the Promise

“Are we going to live by what he promised or by what life gives us?”  This was the question Lloyd Shadrach posed in his sermon “He Breathed His Last.”  Right now I’m not crazy about what life is giving me and I’m finding it much easier to focus on that.  The last two years I have been writing a book, piloting a study, building a “platform,” and wholeheartedly pursuing the life of the writer/speaker I felt I was called and created to be.  I thought that would lead me to a place where I could get paid to do what I love.  But it hasn’t.  I thought I had laid the foundation beautifully and all God had to do was come in a bless it.  He hasn’t.  I have dug the ditches in anticipation of rain, but it has not rained.  I have set the sails, but the wind doesn’t blow.  So I sit in the wasteland knowing I have no ability to make it rain or make the wind blow.  I can’t make someone want to publish my book; I can’t make anyone pick up the phone and call me to speak.  So I wait in the middle of nowhere, in the wasteland, in the wilderness…at least that how it feels to me.

In the wasteland, there is death.  For me, it’s watching my dream career die, and I mean completely die.  Other times it’s the death of other dreams…dreams of marriage, dreams of having children, dreams of financial stability.  Or maybe it’s a literal death of a person or a death of a relationship.  In Luke 23, it was the death of the Son of God.  The one who represented hope to a nation.  Many watched their dream of peace and power die as Jesus hung on the cross.

Lloyd offered two “comforting” lessons from this place of mourning.  1.) God is present in our darkest moments and 2.) God doesn’t prevent the darkest moments.  Both true, yet both not exactly what I was hoping for.  In our modern Christianity, we want the doctrine that allows us to work hard enough to avoid the house of mourning all together.  We want the version where there are no more tears, and we try to make it so here on earth.  In the church, we don’t know what to do with people in mourning.  We offer trite sayings and try to see how God is going to work it all out for good.  But the truth is first there is death, painful, excruciating death.

Lloyd also said, “The essence of real hope is to lose hope in everything but Jesus and his promises.”  In his infinite mercy, God was weaning the disciples and true followers of Jesus from their false hopes of earthly peace and power.  When he died on the cross, every selfish reason they had for following Jesus had to die as well.  This is what he is doing for me.  I have lost hope in agents and publishers to help me fulfill my dream.  I’ve lost hope that building a platform will make the dream come true.  I’ve lost hope in my own ability and some days wonder if I was a fool to think I could be a writer/speaker.  And truthfully there have been very dark days when I have lost hope even in Jesus, wondering if he cared or if he loved me.

I stood in church at the end of the service praying and asking God what his promise was for me.  Often I have reminded women that the promise is his presence, that he would be with me through it all.  But last Sunday, that promise was not enough.  And then he brought to mind a different promise, one that I’m honestly afraid to share because I don’t even know if it counts as a promise.  It was I Peter 5:6 “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time.”  This one was enough; this one made me cry.

So I will hope for a resurrection.  A resurrection that will not come on my time table or in the way I think I should.  It will be a resurrection that comes exactly when God intends for it to come.  In John 11 when Lazarus died, Mary and Martha believed that Jesus had the ability to raise Lazarus from the dead, and they knew Jesus loved him.  When Martha ran out to meet Jesus, she says she believes that Lazarus will be resurrected, if not now then at the end.  Even in their own personal wasteland, they continued to hope for a resurrection.  I think Mary and Martha would have preferred Jesus to come and heal Lazarus when he heard he was sick, but he didn’t because it wasn’t time yet.  Why did Jesus wait and not go to Bethany right away?  Why did he wait until Lazarus had died?  Why did he wait for him to be buried in the tomb for three days?  ”It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”  (John 11:4)

What Jesus wanted more than anything was to glorify the Father.  Because at the proper time, the resurrection will happen and no one else can take credit for it.  No one can say “he wasn’t really dead.”  No one can say “we prayed so hard and had so much faith that God had to act.”  I won’t be able to say “I just worked really hard at it and followed steps X, Y, and Z and that’s how I became a writer/speaker.”  More than anything what I want as His Princess is for the King to be glorified.  I know the wasteland does not end in death, but in life.  I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but for now I place my hope firmly in Jesus and his promises.  That is the difference between false hope and real hope.